Just walking the dog

The boyfriend has been totally incapacitated with hay fever since we've got back from Turkey, so I've had sole dog walking responsibilities. It's meant early morning trips to the gym or runs after work have been sidelined in favour of exploring the neighbourhood with my little four legged friend.

It's not been a total hardship. The long sunny days have made it extremely pleasurable. So much so that I've upped our evening walk time to an hour or more most days. I reckon we've clocked up on average about 10 hours walking each week so it's more than made up for treadmill time.

The downside has been the obvious 'hoodie' incident; being charged down by two huge slavering mastiffs (devil dogs!) and tonight's adventure. We head off to a local green space we call the duck pond park. It has long grass which Flyn loves running through (much to the annoyance of a local 'courting' couple we keep bumping into) and ducks he likes to chase. After we've done a lap of the park we usually head off down a snicket to a huge corn field which he ploughs through. It's like watching an episode of Lost when the monster is coming. All you can see is the corn moving as he tramples it underfoot and you're thinking arrrrrgh! I'm just waiting for a call from the farmer for damage to his crops.

Anyway tonight no courting couple, we start off down the snicket straight into the path of a man with his wanger out who quickly zips up his flies. He has obviously relieved himself in some way or maybe we disturbed him mid flow. Worried that he's going to flash us we do a quick about turn. It's risky business this dog walking. Flyn in his excitement and to beat the heat then decides to throw himself into the duck pond. On route home he manages to wolf down two slices of bread left out for the birds in Chelmer Park and has to be dragged away from sniffing a (clean) tampon someone has kindly thrown on the pavement. This tops this morning's walk where he was lapping up some other dog's poo like it was chocolate mousse and yesterday's puking incident. I'd bought him a chew from Wilkinsons (I know cheap skate) as a treat. He promptly spent ages puking it up and then trying to eat his sick. He's been out in the garden today still hoping to find some remnants. Nice.

Who needs Marley and me? There should be a book about this dog!

With apologies for the graphic descriptions!!

Jay Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I know this was today's headline in the showbiz pages of the Sun but it is soo true! Did you watch? Now I like my rap but I'm not a huge Jay Z fan although I must admit his collaborations with Linkin Park are goooooood. There was so much controversy about him headlining Glasto that it was a must watch but I literally did fall asleep! The only thing I can say is I don't think he has the repertoire, enough sing-along numbers that the crowd know which you need if you're going to headline such a massive event. Once he did 99 Problems that was it game over!

I don't think he has much personality either. I watched him get totally outclassed on Jonathan Ross by the much more personable Will Smith. Jay just came across as all ego, evading questions about Beyonce and looking total geek chic in his own clothing range.

I enjoyed watching Glasto though. My highlights - Duffy, Mark Ronson (bit predictable I know) and the Wombats.

It was only a matter of time...

before one of them did it and surprisingly it was Andy Scott-Lee who decided to sell his story to yesterday's Sunday Mirror about his split with cheesy Wotsit lookalike estranged wife Michelle Heaton (whatever happened to Liberty X? Did they ever officially split?)

Andy obviously needs cash by any means so capitalised on recent events by coming out as the wronged party. Apparently it's not amicable and he's 'sick of the lies'! 'Strictly Come Dancing star and former Eastenders heartthrob' Matt Di Angelo 'killed his marriage' by sleeping with his wife. If dates are anything to go by Matt was seeing his Strictly partner Flavia at the same time...hmm!

According to Andy it's not the first time that Michelle has cheated. Yawn. Let's wait for her 'exclusive story' which will no doubt hit the shelves soon.

(Photo courtesy of Macmonkey's own fair hand)

Mandela 90th Birthday Concert

Car crash. Prime time TV shit which we're glued to. Jim Kerr of Simple Minds a total, utter embarrassment. What was that all about? He mumbled. It was a shambles. Amy Wino was beyond fragile. I think it was actually quite cruel to put her out there at such a big event because she is obviously soooo not well. But it gets headlines doesn't it? And Blake incarcerated is out in 2 weeks! Sugababes should call it a day. I like their stuff but live they just don't cut it (rewind to the New Year's Eve Take That concert at the 02 where they were also shameful). Andrea Corr complete bore! Jamelia cut short her honeymoon to duet with some guy who didn't even get a mention.

The only half decent bit was Will Smith singing the theme tune to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air (I couldn't believe the crowd knew all the words) and the fact they dug Eddie Grant up from somewhere! And Leona was class. Finally Queen with Paul Rodgers (impressive) did manage to rock it - you can't beat a bit of Brian May frizzy hair which also seems to have transplanted onto Roger Taylor's chin.

Oh and Geri!! Hair scraped back, HUUUUUUGE hoop earrings, looking very 'African'. She accompanied an extremely frail Mr Mandela out on stage to listen to everyone sing Happy Birthday. Someone had to take Naomi Campbell's place.

Fearne Cotton was, as ever, a good choice of presenter but Pip Scholfield just doesn't suit this sort of event.

Anyway I hope Mr Mandela enjoyed his 'party'...

Wombatastic!

My fave news story today is about the top Australian Treasury official who has taken 5 weeks holiday to go and look after 150 endangered hairy nosed wombats in an isolated spot in northern Queensland. The opposition party in Australia are having a field day with this one. Ok so it's the winter recess in Oz, but his departure couldn't have been more badly timed. The economy in Australia, like here in the UK, is in a bad way. Inflation is at its highest rate in 16 years, interest rates are up and the cost of fuel is rising. Said Treasury official is also going to miss a Central Bank meeting whilst he is in the middle of nowhere, without a mobile phone signal, 2 and a half hours from the nearest town. All for the love of Wombats.

Big headed Bob!

Like what you see? Me too! I lurve the extremely hot Rob James-Collier who plays Liam Connor in my fave soap Coronation Street. If Rob is reading this (highly unlikely) then it's likely to get him hot under the collar but for all the wrong reasons. You see our Bob is leaving the soap because he's sick of all the female (and in some cases male) attention. He wants to be a 'serious actor' darling!

Bob has been voted Sexiest Male at the British Soap Awards for the last 2 years. Accepting his award this year he sarcastically said "thanks for this award which really reflects acting ability". How he leaves the soap is a closely guarded secret but rumour has it that he's going to be murdered like Des Barnes (remember him?).

So what does the future hold for Bob? Most definitely no panto! Yeah right, when you can't get any work and your career is down the pan then you'll take whatever you can get mate. How many actors/actresses can you name that have successfully made the transition from soap to stage or drama? Don't knock who and what put you where you are now in the first place. See you on the way down Bob...

So?

Gordon Brown has been in his dream job for a year. So what? That's what I say! Whilst I wasn't Tone's biggest fan (those hand gestures and Cheshire cat grin didn't 'arf grate) I haven't really noticed Gordon. He's hardly a prominent statesman. It must be a huge anti-climax for him. The job he's always wanted, waited so patiently for and he's rubbish at it (in my opinion). Happy Anniversary Gord. I doubt you'll be around this time next year - sorry.

Spotted!

I've just had a fantastic local celeb spot! Get me Heat magazine on the phone! Picked the boyf up from work, pulled up at the famous Miami roundabout in Chelmsford and who is next to us riding an extremely cool motorbike but uber Essex girl Jodie Marsh! She was following a guy on another bike and the only thing that made me look was her waist. It was beyond tiny! The smallest waist I've ever seen on an adult. Then when I got to see her face I thought "I know that nose"! I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean it in that way Jodie - honest! She looked very pretty, alot shorter than I expected, but a little orange (you don't need all that fake tan love!).

The Life of Brian

Death and all that comes with it is a funny old thing. Today we paid our respects to our colleague Wol. I've never seen so many people pack out a crematorium. It was standing room only. Wol had cancer - in her lungs and spine. She died 8 weeks after her diagnosis. It makes you think about so many things - our own mortality, what would we want our funeral to be like, would so many people turn out for us?


It's a busy business death. The crematorium is a real ship 'em in, one after the other, place. If you want more than the allotted 20 minutes you need to book a double slot. We're all just on the conveyor belt to heaven (or wherever). This crematorium was a very nice place actually. It rather bizarrely had a tea room which I still can't decide whether that's a good thing or not! It was also home to a flock of white doves which swooped worryingly low overhead - not good when you're decked out in black.


My parents also attended a funeral today. The 'vicar' opened the service with the words 'we are here to celebrate the Life of Brian'. My Dad and Uncle Del Boy were the only ones that seemed to get the irony of those words!! This funeral was a less 'tasteful' affair. So much so that my parents are going to note down their own wishes in writing tomorrow to ensure they do not depart this earth in a similar fashion.


Their funeral was the works. An order of service, on a par with those you find at weddings, with a photo of the deceased staring you right in the face. These were on the 'pews' in the crematorium accompanied by - and this is the best bit - a piece of paper for people to write down their name so they knew who had attended, together with a free pen and....a packet of tissues. It seems to wrong to me!! It's almost like providing 'favours' at a wedding!


And what is it about death that brings out the worst in some people? Posturing to say that they knew the deceased best etc.. Macmonkey told me that Naomi Campbell said about Gianni Versace's death 'it was a very, very, sad time...for me'.


So to end on a happy note. Please take this as my formal request that at my funeral I don't want everyone decked head to toe in black (although that is my usual attire of choice). I want smiley faces, minimal flowers (tulips) and some great music - perhaps Steps 'Tragedy' with Macmonkey and my Sistas standing at the front making sure everyone knows the moves. I also want to be buried at that Bluebell Wood cemetery place in Epping in a cardboard, environmentally friendly coffin so I provide good worm food! At the wake there will be a chocolate fountain and everyone will get a goody bag. Anyway perhaps I'm getting a bit carried away now. So I will end this blog by raising a glass of J P Chenet rose to Wol and say you made me laugh, you were a complete style icon and the office is a duller place without you. RIP.

Race for Life

I've had a fantastic day today. I was a volunteer at the Chelmsford Race for Life, the largest of the events in Essex which saw some 6,000 women run or walk 5km (about 3 miles) to raise money for Cancer Research UK. If you've never participated or supported someone at a Race for Life then you're missing an emotional, humbling but totally fun experience.

The race attracts women of all ages from babes in arms to Grans, sometimes generations from the same family, all shapes and sizes, mainly dressed in pink (saw some fab leg warmers, tutus and wigs). Many have had cancer themselves, others are running for loved ones they have lost or are currently battling the disease.

What brings it home for me not just at events like this but life in general is that we've all been touched by cancer in one way or another - our own scare, the loss of a family member, a friend, a work colleague. However, the positive message Cancer Research UK gave out today is that more people are surviving cancer and living longer.

So ladies if you've never participated in a Race for Life give it a go. It's lots of fun. You really don't have to be Paula Radcliffe. It's not competitive. The last person home in Chelmsford today walked the course in just over 2 hours and she was in her 80s, her arm in plaster, unsteady on her legs and was supported by her daughter. She crossed the line to big cheers and applause. If you really don't want to run/walk then volunteer (men can too!). I will most definitely do it again.

Hoodie Scum

Me and Flyn the Wonder Dog have had a horrible encounter with a gang of hoodies tonight. We were out for our usual evening walk, very nice it was too. On the way home we had to stop off at the local Co-op for some peppers. Hanging around outside was a gang of 'youths'. I've seen them before asking people to get them fags so I was extremely reluctant to have that exchange with them. I decided to keep on walking and drive to another shop once I got home. I then had second thoughts (why should I be intimidated?) so decided to brave it. After all what could they do?

I tied Flyn up outside the shop but away from their direct line of sight. When I came out of the shop I heard a girl who was with the gang say 'leave the dog alone'. This 'lad' then said he was going to get his mate to come over and 'touch the dog'. I immediately ran to Flyn whose lead had come 'undone'. This other 'lad' then shouted at me that Flyn had tried to bite him. Apparently he'd tried to stroke him. I said he was probably scared as didn't know him and he was a nice dog. The 'youths' then proceeded to have a go at me for having a horrible dog, 'politely' informed me that most dogs are friendly and just mouthed off at me to keep him under control. I started to walk off and this woman came up to me and said she'd been watching the gang who had been provoking Flyn and generally taunting him whilst I was in the shop. She said that if her dog was there she'd set it on them.

I walked home, shaken, crying like a baby (silly I know). I was scared that the gang would follow me. I felt bad that I'd left the dog outside - I know it sounds silly but I love my dog! I got home and the boyf said he was going to go down to the shops and have a word with the gang but I had visions of him being stabbed or something so said no. I phoned the local community policing team and left a tearful message...they will call back within 24 hours. I also wanted to phone the Co-op to say they need to bear in mind the impact on their trade of having a gang hanging around outside but thought I'd leave that for another time.

Anyway I've consumed a fair amount of red wine to get over my trauma and the dog seems ok. He's had lots of cuddles and tit bits of our dinner and is currently playing with his toys. Next time I go to the shops in the evening I'll make sure I carry a can of mace with me. Scum bags.

P.S I know this blog is probably a bit dull, I didn't write it perhaps in a very engaging way but it was therapy. I found the event very unsettling and even walking the dog in the morning the next day I felt uneasy. We went back to the shops to face our demons. It didn't work - it was too soon. I tied him up outside the Bakers Oven where he could see me and I could see him. An elderly couple tried to stroke him and he barked his head off. The police also phoned me back. The first thing the PC said was she was just about to go off shift so was it urgent?! Apparently I should've reported it officially as it was too late to do anything now. As far as she was aware there are no gangs round the shops which is her patch. I felt a bit like I was being told off. Anyway I will move on and mention this incident no more!

The best package ever!

I have to get in quick on this one....I yesterday's pic of Becks in the latest Armani ad completely passed me by till I read Macmonkey just now. And then joy oh joy. It gets EVEN better. On my daily morning Perez check I found this. Words fail me. Enjoy.

Paptastic!

A much more low key WAG wedding than the paptastic Rooney affair took place recently. The lovely Robbie Keane got spliced to his long-term girlfriend ‘stunning Irish model’ Claudine Palmer. The Sun printed pap snaps of the pair enjoying their honeymoon and the new Mrs Keane does look good wouldn’t you agree? It reminded me of our holiday…only add on a pot belly and a 306 calorie Cornetto choco disc grasped tightly in one palm!

The paps get everywhere don’t they? Doesn’t matter who you are these days – A list or shopping list. On holiday we took a trip to Dalyan to visit a proper Turkish mud bath, see some rock tombs and check out some turtles. Accompanying us on this trip was our own official tour photographer/pap. We were asked to kindly co-operate although we were not obliged to purchase any snaps at the end of the day.

Well you should’ve seen us! Me and the boyf posed BIG time! It was sooo hard not to ham it up every time you noticed the camera on you. We even have a couple of those pics that you often see in mags that look like you’ve had a row (we hadn’t) or don’t want to be seen together (we do of course!).

Mr Pap took over 100 pics of us ……and some of them, the natural ones where we were totally unaware, were the best pics I’ve ever seen of us. Others were grim (cue pot belly again) and made me realise how easy it must be for celebs to become obsessed with how they look and resort to extreme dieting measures when they’re splashed all over the rags and mags every week.

Naked yoga!

Ditch your Ashtanga and your Hatha! The latest yoga craze is naked yoga! Only you have to go to NYC to participate in a class. And whilst clothes aren’t mandatory bringing your own mat is for obvious reasons. Apparently the disrobing of clothes is a ritualised event that forms part of the class so you can’t just turn up starkers. I reckon it’s probably quite a spiritual experience. The Naked Yoga website (with the classic strapline ‘expose your Asana’) is fantastic. It briefs you on the rules about class participation and answers FAQ such as “what if something ‘comes up’ in class”. Next time Macmonkey goes to the Big Apple I’m going to insist he tries it out and provides a full report!

The Sunday Night Project

Is it just me or does it feel totally wrong that the Friday Night Project is now on a Sunday (although it's actually filmed on a Thursday)? I don't get this change in schedule. Who decided? On what grounds? For me the beauty of the show was that you watched it when you got in from the pub or wherever. On a Sunday you're usually sober and dreading going back to work the next day (unless you're drowning your sorrows at the prospect).

I totally love JLC and Alan Carr though. JLC is one of those blokes that you shouldn't fancy but you can't help yourself. That hair - such good condition, so thick! And I love his t-shirts although that look is probably so passe now. I bet he's great fun. He was on Chris Moyles on Friday and they voted him their all time favourite guest.

Last night's guest host on the Sunday Night Project was Pamela Anderson. I don't know what was wrong with her but she was erratic, a bit out of it, kept sitting side on as if she was checking herself out. She looked pretty fab though. Boobs spilling out all over the shop. Rumour has it her and Tommy 'T bone' Lee are back together again.

Anyway I struggled to keep my eyes open and by 10.30 had to hit the sack. I'd be interested to know how the ratings compare Friday vs Sunday and whether it continues in this slot. Anyone else feel strongly about this? Anyone else thought Pammie was just a little bit 'out there'? Anyone else have the hots for JLC?

Volkan the Great

I know we're not in it but I'm a proper football fan and don't just watch England (they bore me anyway). So for the Euros I've adopted my new 'fave place in the world ever' Turkey as my team and boy did they provide some entertainment last night! 2 - 0 down against the Czech Republic with 15 minutes to go and then 'the best keeper in the world' Chelsea's Peter Cech cocked things up royally - not once but twice. Before you knew it Turkey had equalised and we were looking at a historic first of penalties to decide who progressed to the quarter finals. As in their previous game against the Swiss, Turkey made a fantastic last gasp comeback with a superb third goal to nail the game.

The best bit for me was the Turk's fit as you like goalkeeper Demirel Volkan getting sent off. Sadly for him he misses the next game but for us ladies viewing at home it meant we got to see his enormously impressive arms bursting out of his 'skins' as he stripped off his shirt in shame. He's my hottie of the tournament by far. So anyway despite taking the lead with minutes to go the Turks had made all their subs and one of their players had to be a stand in goalie but they held on for a much deserved win in my opinion. As the commentator stated there was so much dramarama going on in the match he wouldn't have been surprised if a spaceship landed on the pitch!

What holiday?

So we've been back from holiday exactly 6 days now and it feels like all that good work soaking up the sun and totally chilling out is beginning to unravel big stylie. Going back to work was hard. For the first couple of days I felt totally out of it, as if I needed to reintegrate myself into our little group. It was also unbelievably tiring. Last week I felt refreshed. Now I feel knackered and like I need a good break!

The boyf is suffering more than me. He always seems to get a cold when we come back from holiday. This time he's laid low with bad hay fever and has been retiring to bed super early, even missing the football. So me and the dog have been lone rangers cuddled up together on the sofa missing our Head Honcho.

The other strange thing is clothing. When you're away you let it all hang out in beachwear. You feel free and liberated (despite the belly overhang). At home you're in formal, restrictive clothing. You're conforming, back in the rat race, just another sucker on the hamster wheel of life.

Whilst the tan is a reminder of your fab break you know it's not going to last....a bit like some doomed romance. You scrub, apply copious amounts of lotion in the vain hope of prolonging it, a temporary fix, but it's only a matter of time...

And you're back to reminders of things that niggled you before you went away like unfinished decorating that seems to have dragged on for an eternity. It becomes an almost insurmountable mountain again, tapping you on the shoulder constantly saying 'remember me?' These things are forgotten (almost) when you're enjoying an Efes or two on the beach. You're carefree. Dirty washing basket overflowing - what's that? Lawns need mowing? Somebody else's problem!

You also really envy the lifestyle of the residents of your adopted home for the week. They're not bothered about whether they've got a 37" TV or not. They're happy with their lot sitting on their porch shelling nuts or playing backgammon. You think yeah let's be like that at home, let's live the simple life and renounce all consumer goods, but it soon gets left behind once you step in the doorway and the residents of Coronation Street sound like they're talking underwater cos the sound has gone on your set.

Oh well there's always the anticipation of the next one...if you can find the money. And we will! Come hell or high water!!

Headline of the Day

Ok so I know it's from the Daily Mail but this got my blood bubbling a bit today....heroin addicts are going to be given £200 as a 'reward' for coming off smack. Thankfully this money isn't going to be in the form of cash but vouchers which they can use to buy bicycles (?), food and clothes. They will also be able to pay their gas and leccy with it too. Does anyone else think this is wrong? Will there be some sort of black market trade going on in these vouchers? How will they police it? Is it a one off payment? What if they go back on the smack and then off it again do they get rewarded for their efforts every time? Apparently this new approach is a way of helping reformed addicts gain control over their chaotic lives. I don't get it myself...

Cycling Back to Happiness

I haven’t written a book review since school so cut me some slack…

It felt quite appropriate that I read about a hypochondriac travel phobe whilst on holiday. If you’ve ever been to the Pink Toothbrush in Rayleigh or read the back pages of Southend’s Evening Echo then you will know Bernie Friend. External appearances of a super confident, bubbly guy who is very easy on the eye (as the manageress in Waterstones remarked) cleverly mask a long battle with an assortment of inner demons.

Following the tragic premature death of both his mum and mother-in-law within the space of 12 months from brain cancer, long distance cycling virgin Bernie decided to get on his bike and tackle the 6,000 km of the North Sea Cycle route through the Netherlands, Germany, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Scotland and back home to England raising money for Cancer Research UK and hoping to conquer some of his fears along the way.

I’ve never read a travel book before, not even a Bill Bryson, so this isn’t my usual reading material of choice. My reasons for picking up this book were threefold: I wanted to give Bernie some support as I was genuinely in awe (or should that be green with envy!) that he’d got a book published; I wanted to know more about what makes him tick and finally how he found the strength to take on this challenge. I truly haven’t been so excited about a book in a long time and I wasn’t disappointed.

It made me laugh out loud, cry and want to see for myself places that wouldn’t even have registered previously on my ‘to visit’ list. Why do we constantly head for the obvious when there are so many beautiful places to explore much closer to hand?

I felt I was riding tandem with Bernie inhaling the constant whiff of animal poo in search of the elusive North Sea Cycle Route signs whilst singing along to Chas and Dave; downing Tuborg with the locals in some bizarre drinking establishment before staggering back to the tent for the night; and most of all learning a lot about life.

Cycling Back to Happiness is Adventure Travel magazine’s book of the month in its May/June 2008 issue beating that crazy fool Bear Grylls. Not bad for a first timer!

“Don’t let your biggest fears stand in the way of your dreams, even if your biggest dreams happen to be your biggest fears.”

Starbucks Scandal

It's probably a little bit of old news now (like almost 2 weeks) but did you hear that Starbucks have a new 'naked' full length version of their famous mermaid logo? It's caused absolute uproar in the Bible belt of America with Christian groups now boycotting the world famous coffee chain.

The mermaid on the new logo is exposing her bare breasts (no nipples) and her two tails look like legs spread apart. The leader of a San Diego based Christian group said:

"The Starbucks logo has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute. Need I say more? The company might as well call itself Slutbucks."

The design isn't a permanent change. It's part of a temporary promotion and I've not reproduced it here as I don't want to cause offence - ha ha!

Need a hand back on your feet Mr Tyler?

You may have read recent stories claiming that Rock God Steven Tyler of Aerosmith was in rehab. Rumour has it that he'd fallen off the substance abuse wagon big stylie. However, the gorgeous Mr Tyler has publicly rubbished these claims saying he went to rehab as he needed a safe environment to recuperate from recent foot surgery. He's had several operations to repair damage caused by his stage moves. He added that Aerosmith have no plans to stop rocking! Yeah! Whatever he's in for I hope he gets well soon.

Crap Spots

We always see a celeb at the airport and this holiday was no exception. At Gatwick on the way out to Turkey we spotted Dan Lobb of SKY Sports News Fame.

On the way back, in the wee small hours of Saturday morning, waiting for our luggage by the carousel we spotted those saucy magicians the Deans of Magic of recent Britain's Got Talent fame. He was absolutely gagging for someone to recognise him - you could just tell.

And a near miss.....on our final night in Hisaronu it was the local carnival. The headliners were Boney M! Sadly we had to go to the airport to get our flight. I quite fancied a bit of Ra Ra Rasputin action!

For Neil

One of the amazing sights we saw in Turkey was some Lycian rock tombs. We saw two sets - in Fethiye itself and on a boat trip we took from Dalyan. Most of these tombs date back to the period prior to the rule of Alexander the Great (4th Century B.C.). They almost resemble temples and are usually carved on slopes of mountains out of easy reach. At that time there was a strong belief in reincarnation so people were buried with servants and other goods to take to the after life.

Brits Abroad

Why is it on holiday you are often ashamed of your fellow compatriots? Turkey, like so many other countries, has gone all out to cater for us Brits. Nearly every restaurant proudly advertised some sort of English dish. Others went to the extreme with gutbuster FEBS (full English breakfast) or Sunday roasts. I think it's really sad. The local food in Turkey was fabulous. One of the highlights for me was my Turkish breakfast every morning consisting of boiled egg, cucumber, tomatoes, feta cheese, bread, jam and olives. I have always hated tomatoes with a vengeance but have returned a convert. We even had Turkish breakfast for lunch today at home (although the boiled eggs were a food poisoning-esque disaster). When we were away we also dined on traditional 'puff' bread with hummus or garlic butter. The waiter in the restaurant insisted on showing me how the bread was made. The Turks love bread in any form. My kind of country.

It isn't just on the food front that you wonder about us Brits. At home I feel my tattoos are extremely tasteful. On holiday I felt like just another chav. Every other Brit had a tattoo or seven. Add to that muffin tops, males with distended beer bellies, both sexes sporting lobster sunburn or at the other extreme totally tanorexic leather. Not a good look.

Then you head to the shops. Azda. Which was actually fantastic. And on to Hissaronu market. Cries of "cheap as chips", "cheaper than Oxfam", "cheaper than ebay", "cheaper than shop lifting". If you could deal with all that banter the market was a great place for fruit, veg, nuts etc. And also for the usual Brit holiday souvenir of choice - the fake. Ed Hardy was a particular fave. Bench, Henleys, Paul Frank, DVB, Tiffany and the usual Louis Vuitton. I wasn't tempted in the slightest by this toot. However, there was one particular couple who every night would walk through the village in another set of market t-shirts. I'm sure that will get them much kudos on a Saturday night out at home.

At the beginning of our stay we did begin to fear we could have been in any faceless hot country but that soon changed. The surrounding mountain scenery was breathtaking and like nothing we've ever seen before. The sea was a perfect blue. The 5 times daily calls to prayer from the local mosque was a constant reminder you weren't at home. Goats in people's front gardens. Tortoises at the side of the road. The Turkish people - so friendly, so trusting and so generous. We also learnt a lot about the country in terms of history and geography on a trip we did making us feel better informed and less ignorant. So next time you're on holiday pass up the FEB and go native....otherwise you might just as well be at home.

Turkish Delight

So we're back. Holidays are bittersweet. Too short, all that anticipation, savouring the actual event and then you're home, shopping in Tesco, sucked back into the rat race. Whilst there are some welcome aspects to being back in our lovely house and making up for lost time with the dog, the thought of work tomorrow fills us both with dread. I made the mistake of checking my work emails yesterday which led to a mini freak out. I'm convinced I will be replaced by an outstanding colleague from another team. The boyf has also been having his own mini wobbles about work and wishing we were back on the beach sunning ourselves.

Anyway Turkey was absolutely fantastic. We had a great time. Really special. Holidays always highlight to me the importance of having a break, taking some time out, reflecting and planning for the future. I don't understand people who, of their own volition, never have a change of scene or experience different things, different places.

It took us a couple of days to unwind initially. We were both a bit out of it and were more human come day 3. It's bizarre isn't it how when you're away you have no concept of time? I didn't wear a watch. Also you're aware that other aspects of your life (like work) are continuing as normal as if you're dead...

Turkey is a beautiful country. We've always said we wouldn't go back to the same place twice as there are so many others to visit, but this time we're eating our words and it seems we're not the only ones. Our hotel was full of people who were 'regulars', on their 9th visit. It was a bit like we had walked into a real locals pub. People were so effervescent, not just about the hotel but Turkey itself. Everywhere we went we met people who just fell in love with the place and keep coming back. Whilst we were a little hesitant at first, Turkey has well and truly got us and I can say without a doubt we will be back if not this year then next.